{"id":8994,"date":"2026-05-18T04:00:00","date_gmt":"2026-05-18T04:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/rjbarrett.redirectme.net\/?p=8994"},"modified":"2026-05-18T04:00:00","modified_gmt":"2026-05-18T04:00:00","slug":"how-to-become-emotionally-mature-at-any-age-we-often-dont-realise-the-hurt-were-causing","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/rjbarrett.redirectme.net\/?p=8994","title":{"rendered":"How to become emotionally mature \u2013 at any age: \u2018We often don\u2019t realise the hurt we\u2019re causing\u2019"},"content":{"rendered":"


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A<\/span>round the time of the pandemic, a self-help book with a somewhat unglamorous but functional title \u2013 Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents \u2013 took off on social media. It had been published five years earlier, but in 2020, when more people had time to reflect on life, it was rediscovered, its success fuelled by readers who recognised their own childhood in its pages and their experience with parents who had uncontrolled emotional outbursts, or were self-absorbed, unavailable or lacking empathy. In the view of its author, Lindsay C Gibson, these were parents whose own emotional developmental stage was closer to that of, say, a four- or five-year-old. Their own children had overtaken them, and were now recognising it.<\/p>\n

Gibson\u2019s latest book, How to Raise an Emotionally Mature Child, is a guide for those of us who don\u2019t want our children to experience the same kind of childhood we did. Perhaps you\u2019ve realised \u2013 the self-awareness is key \u2013 that you\u2019re lacking enough maturity of your own, and feel clueless about what you should be doing. \u201cIf you have an emotionally immature parent, it doesn\u2019t mean that you\u2019re doomed,\u201d says Gibson, via video call from her home in coastal Virginia. \u201cHowever, you\u2019ve probably learned emotionally immature attitudes and behaviours that may pop out at times. The difference is that if you have adequate emotional maturity, you\u2019re going to notice it and it\u2019s going to bother you.\u201d<\/p>\n

Perhaps the most important attitude parents could start with, says Gibson, is the idea that your child is \u201creal inside\u201d. It will probably be obvious to other parents, but from my own experience of often viewing my children as objects to be fed, clothed and ferried around, this was a sharp reminder. \u201cThey are sensitive, sentient; they feel things just as acutely as an adult does,\u201d she says. We may treat our children in ways we wouldn\u2019t dream of treating a cherished friend. \u201cWe tend to think that children don\u2019t experience humiliation or embarrassment, that children don\u2019t have a natural sense of dignity, that we can say and do what we want with them and they\u2019ll still love us. But what we do to them is going to register emotionally. They don\u2019t have the language or the experience to express that, so it\u2019s easy to miss. We often don\u2019t realise the hurt we\u2019re causing.\u201d<\/p>\n

<\/svg><\/span>\u2018If you have an emotionally immature parent, it doesn\u2019t mean that you\u2019re doomed\u2019 \u2026 author Lindsay C Gibson.<\/span> Photograph: Kate Thompson\/The Guardian<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Gibson covers each age and stage of a child\u2019s life, from babies to teenagers. Her advice includes taking anxieties seriously, encouraging autonomy in a supportive way and identifying emotions. A large part of it comes from understanding what children are capable of, developmentally, at each stage and what is beyond them. This, I\u2019ve realised, almost instantly alleviates a lot of my own parental frustration. I can already see how many mistakes I\u2019ve made. Is it too late, by the time a child reaches adolescence, if you haven\u2019t laid that groundwork? Definitely not, says Gibson. \u201cIs it too late for a person to ever start responding positively to being treated with respect and love? We know of people in prison who have crossed paths with emotionally mature people who have helped them, and they\u2019ve been able to change. So no, it\u2019s never too late, but you do have to keep in mind that people form a model of the world \u2013 what other people are like, what you can expect from the world and other people \u2013 early in life, and part of our job as a parent is to help them build that model. That can be hard to change, but it is possible. But there is a backlog of old learning that will always have to be dealt with.\u201d<\/p>\n

In babyhood, for instance, much has been made of the importance of the parental bond, usually maternal, that is supposed to kick in instinctively, which puts a huge amount of pressure on mothers who don\u2019t experience that or who have postnatal depression. Does that damage a child\u2019s chance at emotional maturity for ever? \u201cNo, absolutely not,\u201d says Gibson. It can be helpful to explain it later, though, whether it\u2019s something beyond your control, such as depression, poverty, your own upbringing, or just the inevitable mistakes in your parenting.<\/p>\n

Gibson points to the story she includes in her book about a mother who apologised to her child, then seven, for being too harsh while potty training her as a toddler. \u201cShe said: \u2018I\u2019m so sorry that I was so strict with you, and I made you feel bad in a way that wasn\u2019t necessary.\u2019\u201d The girl, says Gibson, broke down, sobbing. \u201cWhen the parent goes back in and says you may have had this negative experience because of something that was going on with me, think what that does to the concept the child has of themselves. \u2018Oh, it wasn\u2019t because I\u2019m a messy, dirty child.\u2019 Or: \u2018It wasn\u2019t because I\u2019m not a very interesting person that Mom didn\u2019t respond [to me] more.\u2019 No, it\u2019s: \u2018Oh, that\u2019s what happened.\u2019 Those efforts to make repairs really change the child\u2019s narrative about themselves.\u201d<\/p>\n

<\/svg><\/span>Children are \u2018sensitive, sentient; they feel things just as acutely as an adult does\u2019, says Gibson.<\/span> Photograph: Posed by models; Elva Etienne\/Getty Images<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Gibson did it with her own son when he was about 18 and getting ready to go to university. \u201cI sat him down and I said: \u2018I want to apologise for some of the things I did. I didn\u2019t know what the right thing was, and I think I was too hard on you, I shouldn\u2019t have done it that way.\u2019 I\u2019m hoping that changed a narrative for him. When he looks back on his life, he can say: \u2018I had this experience, but Mom made a mistake. That\u2019s what that was.\u2019 Not: \u2018I had this experience, and it proves that I\u2019m an undesirable person.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

It is not about being a perfect parent or putting a child\u2019s needs first at all times, stresses Gibson, nor about being the epitome of emotional maturity ourselves \u2013 it\u2019s a spectrum, and we can all slide down to toddlerdom at times of stress, illness or tiredness. Rather, it\u2019s about being more mindful of how we relate to our children. I know I\u2019m quick to snap at mine when I\u2019m stressed. If I\u2019m making dinner or working, and my son wants to talk about a video game I have no interest in, do I have to drop everything and give him my full attention? No, says Gibson. \u201cWe want to find a style of parenting that doesn\u2019t exhaust you, and that scenario would be exhausting. You can\u2019t do 50 things at once. If you notice that your child is trying to engage you, and you say: \u2018I really want to hear about this, but I can\u2019t give this the attention it deserves. Can we talk about it later?\u2019 how long did that take, 10 seconds? He feels acknowledged, he knows you noticed that he was excited. Let\u2019s say you blew him off. Maybe he doesn\u2019t learn: \u2018It\u2019s best not to talk to Mom when she\u2019s up to her ears.\u2019 Maybe he generalises and says: \u2018Maybe it\u2019s best not to bring joyful things to Mom.\u2019\u201d An emotionally attuned parent might still snap in the moment, but would notice their child\u2019s pained look and later apologise. \u201cYou can come back and you can repair it,\u201d says Gibson, who likes the paediatrician Donald Winnicott\u2019s idea of the \u201cgood enough\u201d parent.<\/p>\n

Gibson\u2019s parenting style undoubtedly does take a bit of extra time, thought and effort, though of course the payoffs \u2013 raising, one hopes, a happy and decent member of society and one you can have a lifelong relationship with \u2013 are worth it. Children need guidance and limits, says Gibson (this isn\u2019t about permissive parenting) and their difficult behaviour may be where a parent finds their own emotional maturity tested. \u201cYou have an opportunity there to teach and guide them. What was the mistake? What are we going to do now to make it better? What have you learned from this? But if you give them a smack or yell at them just to make the immediate behaviour stop, they feel humiliated.\u201d<\/p>\n

<\/svg><\/span>\u2018If your child can come back and apologise, they are well on the way toward emotional maturity.\u2019<\/span> Photograph: Posed by models; SolStock\/Getty Images<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

How do you set limits with children \u2013 particularly teenagers \u2013 without being authoritarian? It\u2019s about the explanation, she says, but it\u2019s worth recognising that teenagers \u201cdon\u2019t really care what your concerns are. They won\u2019t say: \u2018Mom, you\u2019re right, that midnight beach party probably isn\u2019t a good idea.\u2019 But that type of interaction is going in at a subliminal level because you\u2019re not being autocratic. You\u2019re saying: \u2018I can\u2019t let you do that, because can you imagine what could happen at a beach party at midnight? You\u2019re probably getting drunk. What happens when somebody gets into some situation that they didn\u2019t imagine, and they\u2019re stranded?\u2019\u201d The teenager couldn\u2019t really care less about your reasoning, says Gibson with a laugh, but it\u2019s the tone of the interaction that matters. She says her adult son works in a managerial position, and was telling Gibson and her husband that he noticed their words coming out of his mouth. \u201cHe said: \u2018I caught myself saying to my team: we have to be accountable and responsible.\u2019 But do you think that mattered to him when he was 16? No, but it does seep in.\u201d<\/p>\n

Gibson studied art and English literature at college, though she later realised analysing narratives and characters\u2019 motivations was what she was really interested in, and discovered clinical psychology. In the 90s, working in private practice, Gibson started developing her broad idea of emotional maturity (or rather, immaturity), after seeing the fallout among her patients \u2013 adults who had problems developing healthy relationships, or were plagued with guilt, or whose perfectionism was a source of stress. \u201cI\u2019ve had to be on the listening end of the suffering that the emotionally immature people were causing,\u201d she says. \u201cIt became fascinating to me that this person is interacting with someone who emotionally, I can tell from my training, is functioning like a six-year-old. And yet, do they think there\u2019s anything wrong with how they\u2019re treating their child? No, they have no self-reflection to speak of, and they project blame on to everybody else.\u201d<\/p>\n

Gibson\u2019s idea of emotional immaturity is not an official diagnosis. It has been criticised for being too broad, for shifting blame on to parents, and for tempting readers to pathologise fairly benign, if irritating, traits alongside more obviously abusive ones. But it has also clearly deeply resonated with people who recognise the deficiencies of their parents, the effect it had on them growing up and the present struggles they are dealing with.<\/p>\n

If you didn\u2019t grow up with emotionally mature parents, how do you know if your child is developing as they ideally should? \u201cThe first thing I would say is: do they still have their light? Are they showing joy? Maturity is a happy thing \u2013 it is a person whose psychology is able to bring them joy and energy. So we want to see that energy, and that investment from them in things they\u2019re interested in. That is as important as self-control. They\u2019re becoming able to think about other people, to have empathy, to think about how they\u2019re affecting other people. Along with that comes some sense of conscience and ethics. An increasing ability to read a situation and restrain themselves from an impulsive reaction and just give it a moment\u2019s thought.\u201d<\/p>\n

<\/svg><\/span>It\u2019s good to give an explanation when setting limits for teenagers.<\/span> Photograph: Posed by models; Halfpoint Images\/Getty Images<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Being able to look at their own actions is important, says Gibson. \u201cNot in an over critical way \u2013 we don\u2019t want them to be so hard on themselves that they make themselves anxious and depressed \u2013 but we do want them to be able to reconsider their behaviour. If your child can come back and apologise, they are well on the way toward emotional maturity, because that means they\u2019ve got self-reflection, empathy, consideration and they\u2019re not so threatened and defensive that they aren\u2019t able to do this important emotional repair work with you.\u201d They will be able to do it with other people later in life.<\/p>\n

We would all do well to have more emotionally healthy people in the world. \u201cHistory is full of egocentric people who do whatever feels best to them in the moment, to amass as much as they can without regard for anybody else,\u201d she says. In current world politics, no names needed: \u201cYou can see that pattern of impulsivity, disregard for other people, the sense that they can do no wrong and stuff is everybody else\u2019s fault \u2013 which totally frees you up to react in whatever way you want to.\u201d<\/p>\n

In terms of material success, emotional immaturity can be an asset. \u201cWe\u2019re in a system that\u2019s rigged toward people who are willing to take advantage of other people, to look out for their own interests and amass as much as they can for themselves.\u201d Gibson is optimistic, though, that a better society, built by more emotionally healthy people, is possible. \u201cThat\u2019s what keeps moving us forward in terms of survival, because these characteristics help us work together well, think clearly under stress, understand cause and effect. One of the things that capitalist society cannot believe is that people helping each other, raising up and respecting other people are a collaborative system that works really well. People are happy, they produce more, they\u2019re invested more. It\u2019s sad that that\u2019s not seen as a strength.\u201d<\/p>\n

Her personal mission, she says, \u201cis to make this concept of emotional immaturity so commonplace that people spot it, and then they don\u2019t fall under the spell of the egocentric person who\u2019s trying to tell them how to be and how to best serve them\u201d. For those of us who recognise our shortcomings, it\u2019s never too late to get our own emotions up to speed. And if you\u2019re helping to raise a child in any way, you can shape their emotional lives whether they are a crying baby, a challenging primary school child or a truculent teenager \u2013 for the good of them, and us all.<\/p>\n

<\/strong>How to Raise an Emotionally Mature Child by Dr Lindsay Gibson (Vermilion, \u00a318.99) is out on 21 May. To support the Guardian, order your copy at guardianbookshop.com. Delivery charges may apply.<\/p>\n